


With Unexpected Purpose

by intheheart



Series: Nirwen Lavellan [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Post-Trespasser, Solavellan, Trespasser Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 06:04:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4949512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intheheart/pseuds/intheheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser spoilers ahead!</p><p>This takes place immediately following the events of Trespasser and follows Nirwen Lavellan, whose feelings for Solas have not disappeared, into what will be her new, changed life after the events of the game and DLC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Time in Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few notes to Cullen and Josephine, and letter from Nirwen to her younger brother, Rodan, all written the night before they go to the Winter Palace for the events of Trespasser.

  
  
Josephine, I'm grateful for all of the rehearsal, all of the points you have given me, the rebuttals, the twists, I applaud your craft in a surprise or two after all this time. Whatever happens tomorrow, whatever these people ask, whatever they try to wrest from us, we cannot claim to be unprepared.  
  
A friend, always,  
  
Nirwen  
  
                                                                                                          *****  
  
Cullen, faithful, your strength has been a gift, and your leadership, a cornerstone of what we've accomplished, and continue to accomplish. I'm grateful for that. And your heart in your service.  You have been a friend, and I'm honored to have done so much together.  
  
Nirwen  
  
                                                                                                           *****  
  
Rodan. My dear brother, Ro.  
  
It's late, and the silence is almost as loud as my thoughts. Still, I have this one task before I close my eyes and hope the night grants me some sleep. There is so much left to do. But while I have this chance. This journey, I'm not sure how much more time remains. This great power, it flares, worse, and concealing the pain is more and more difficult. I think you know more than I've confirmed. I've seen your eyes.  
  
In a bad moment, my arm feels hollow, nerves on fire, an electric sear from palm to shoulder, to jaw. I've had these few years, haunted years, but I had time to make a difference, to save others. Chance, fate, I don't know any longer. It turns out, of this, I know so little. Maybe it needs open rifts to remain stable. Maybe it needs some other force. Maybe it's feeding on what life remains within me. I can't ignore it. I aim to continue our work, but with the fear, the anger, the expected opposition, I'm not sure what our future will be.  
  
We can't think about or count on that. I have spent so much time these past two years working to rebuild, to help the people all over Thedas. There must be a contingency if it's necessary.  
  
It will be necessary, Ro, but I'm not sure when. It's getting worse, and it won't stop. I have to say the words. This is killing me.  
  
I could waste time asking questions, or I could prepare. Maybe this was always a streaming, unpredictable, magical well of poison. The only one who ever successfully stabilized this is gone, a whisper on the wind, an illusion in a dream. My heart can only wonder, hope he is safe, and well. I was able to save Thedas, so much larger than one small woman, and this delayed death, well, I've seen so much more.  
  
Ro. I am so proud of you. I felt that taking you into service with me would be an opportunity for you. But you, my clever brother, you have adapted, grown, and learned, teaching me. You'll return to our family with my greatest pride. It will be your responsibility, one more thing I must ask of you, to take word back to our family, and trusted friends. To Nehn, Halina.  If I cannot bring you back myself. I have to plan.  
  
I'm sorry, Ro, if you're reading this under the worst of circumstances. People may still question me, my motives, and indeed, my life, but I am always a faithful sister, daughter, friend. Make it a good tree, Ro. Think of me.  
  
Nirwen  



	2. To Begin Again

The traces of his kiss lingered on her mouth. Warmth within a cold sting. Compassion within resignation. Solas walked away, head and shoulders low, disappearing into the eluvian to parts unknown. Gone once again, his presence weighted more than ever, and his disappearance, this time expected, something that she couldn't deny passage into a deep burrow within her. She had not even tried to rise in the countless seconds since his disappearance, but she knew there would be a ward, a lock, a spell of some sort. He had let her pass into this place, lured. Solas tore her heart again with the ease of the word Vhenan on his tongue, further rending it with his plans, and yet, something in his voice, a grain, a tremble in the resolute words, his admissions that she had proven him wrong, that he knew he was wrong, dared to simultaneously mend the damage and leave a crack for hope to enter again. _Vhenan_ , wrapped in the chill with which he spoke so easily of destruction, of a probable death of the world, the people within it, and even his own insistence he could not tear himself from the Din'Ananshiral he walked. Cole's words from so long ago returned, but Solas' words truly, telling of a journey he could not permit those he cared about to also walk. “I would not have you see what I become,” he said when Nirwen asked to go with him, not intent on letting him complete this devastating task but in that nascent hope that she could show he need not be alone and they could find some other solution together. What _did_ he become? What might he?

Her head spun. They had kissed, one he seemed to regard as final, and she wanted to reach out to him, to pull him back as she had before, but as he walked off, she realized that her mark, source of her pain, source of her power, power that was his power, it was gone. The pain had calmed but something else was happening. Her arm continued to glow, as if the power still poisoned from within, and though no longer hurting, it tingled in a way that wasn't pleasant, like a crescendoing hum. She fought a dizziness, a feeling she couldn't understand, as she put her head down on the ground before her for just a moment, to see if things would stop spinning and she could catch her breath.

The surface of the eluvian shimmered slightly. It was enough for Dorian to know whatever charm had locked it had been released. He raised his staff, cast a barrier over himself, Cassandra, and Cole, and they all went through. Cassandra had her sword at the ready, Dorian, his staff still raised. Only Cole slipped through with a greater ease. Cassandra gasped at the petrified qunari, skeptical that all was as safe as it seemed as she crept cautiously forward. “Inquisitor?” she shouted, but there was no response.

“He is gone,” Cole near-whispered, “Go to her.”

The three of them set up the hill, surrounded by their erstwhile enemies, all frozen to time and purpose. Reassured these qunari presented no harm, they turned and ran forward up the hill.

She lay, pitched forward, her arm bearing an unmistakable glow. Cassandra's eyes widened with familiar fear as Dorian secured his staff while in motion.

“Nirwen!” Dorian shouted as he sped toward his friend. He put an arm around her, gently nudging her over. Whatever was happening with her arm, it appeared the magic was somehow contained to the forearm and hand. _Clever and precise._ He touched her face. It was warm.She groaned and said “Solas,” in a low voice. Nirwen's eyes fluttered open, some distance clearly between her and full awareness. But she was alive.

Cole stepped in and knelt by her side. “Her breaths are slow now. She is still bright. But her heart, it is sad. Steady, sad, daring to hope, but worried. She believes.”

“We have to get her back quickly,” Cassandra's pragmatism didn't prevent concern showing on her furrowed brow.

Dorian tore a piece from his robe to secure Nirwen's wounded arm close to her. Cassandra held her other hand as he worked. Dorian, without hesitation, destroying his fine robes for a friend. Cassandra took a deep breath and smiled for the first time today.

As Cole gazed toward the large eluvian ahead, Dorian lifted Nirwen from the ground with Cassandra's help. She groaned again in the bright sunlight, her eyes opening, then a grimace as she shut them. “Dorian,” she said, leaning closer in, “We have to help.” The largest eluvian he had yet seen was right there before them, and it was all so breathtakingly fascinating. What he wouldn't give for an opportunity to examine it, to study, to make some notes. But Nirwen needed aid, and so he turned, carrying her down to make their exit.


	3. A New Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being brought back to the Winter Palace, the council on hold, and an explanation yet to come, Inquisitor Lavellan, with family and friends, learns a new truth that continues to lead to an unexpected new start.

“How was I to know it wasn't intended to come apart?” His eyes smiled first, then his lips curled to match, a deep laugh following, leading her to her own nostalgic laughter. “I was _four_. And Nehn was very understanding as she popped things back into place and restrung the thing.” Rodan's mischievous green eyes continued to laugh. “I think our parents had their first idea where I'd wind up.” He looked over at Varric as he finished the story, then at Nirwen.

“Ro here is going to be putting things together here with the Inquisition for a while,” she said.

"And then you introduced me to Dagna. Which I think took you nearly fifteen minutes to _almost_ regret," he laughed, low, but it was the same deep laugh, only closer. Rodan. His voice filtered through the dreams, the layers of memory, the stillness. Her eyes were open now, she realized.

“Nirwen,”

Her name jarred all of the layers together, and his face with those same mischievous green eyes she had just seen...in a dream...was beside her.

“Ro,” she managed, the brief syllable half-whispered. He moved his hand from her right one, pushing his sister's hair from her eyes. Nirwen fought her thoughts in a wave of frustration. They came thick, slowed, as if draped in gauze. She concentrated, grasped at the fleeing tendrils in her mind she knew she should be remembering, thinking about, acting on, but she let them go, took a breath and cast a steady gaze upon the wall sconce, pulling the room gradually into focus instead.

“I'm here,” he responded. Cassandra, seated behind him, called to an attendant, speaking to her in a voice Nirwen couldn't make out. The woman nodded, then silently left with an air of purpose. Cassandra flashed Nirwen an uneasy smile, mixed relief and Cassandra's familiar concern. They were in a room, one that was both ornate and spare at a glance, and she lay upon a soft bed, wrapped in a warm blanket. _Something_. There was _something_. She closed her eyes again, beginning to drift, but her brother's voice brought her back to awareness. “How do you feel?”

A name flashed in her mind and she shot up. "Solas!" Immediately, a blunted, tight, almost pain surged through her left arm, dissipating into a buzzing down to her fingertips. Her wide eyes closed as she drew rapid, shallow breaths.

Rodan gently grasped her shoulders, easing her back down, while Nirwen shook her head, resistant. "Easy, Nirwen, please. You started to wake after....then went off all agitated and half coherent. They gave you something to let you rest, and told me to talk to you, that it could help, so I've been on all these silly stories for hours. I think everyone knows more about us than they'd ever care to."

"Where are we, Ro? What about the council?" she asked as she reluctantly gave in and lay back. Her thoughts still seemed filtered, her slowing heart filled her ears, and she noticed her body felt sore, as if every part of her had finally let go after being locked in tension.

It was Cassandra who spoke.

"We brought you back to the Winter Palace for aid. The council is in an emergency recess until tomorrow. If you are up to returning then. Dorian left a short while ago to attend to a letter, but he promised to return. And they have asked for a report. I don't know how Josephine does it, but she's managing to keep them relatively pacified."

"Well, I've spent the past few minutes not hurting us all through uncontrollable, agonizing magic," she said, sighing deeply, with sparks of recognition. "Solas..."

Just then, the attendant from earlier entered with a middle-aged woman in the robes of a spirit healer. With them, in robes Nirwen was still getting used to seeing her in, was Leliana. The Divine came in an officially neutral capacity, but the face of her close friend was warm behind its outward formality. She was glad to have her there. The room was more than large enough for all of them, but Nirwen sensed a tension in the air.

"Inquisitor Lavellan," the healer spoke, her eyes warm, but cautious as she made her way into the large room. "I am Manon, and this is Deidre," referring to the attendant who had fetched her.

"Manon. It might be a pleasure under other circumstances," Nirwen offered, as Deidre came to Nirwen's side, nudging Rodan aside as she pulled her right hand from the cover and took counts of pulse and breaths. Finally Manon nodded to Deidre and swapped places with her.

Manon's dark hair was sprayed with white, and her face suggested experience of a depth unexpected of one who now served at the plush Winter Palace. Leliana kept her face soft, but Nirwen knew she was observing to the finest detail.

"Inquisitor, how do you feel? Is there any pain? We have applied an elfroot salve in your wrapping, but now that you're awake, we can better tell."

Nirwen considered, her thoughts clarifying by the moment. "Only when I sat up. I felt it from the elbow down through my fingers, like a buzz, or grabbing one of those bee jars Sera is so fond of." Manon looked over at Rodan, who gave her a subtle nod, before both returned their gaze to Nirwen.

"When Ambassador Pavus carried you in here, he noted the mark itself was no longer there, flaring, but there was more. Your arm, the magic was precise, dissipating, but we have seen nothing like it before. We could not make sense of it, and...we could not save it."

Ro took her hand in his again. Deidre moved to Nirwen's left side, picked up her wrapped arm and slowly begun unraveling the outer bandage. A process that took only a moment seemed to drag with the sudden clash of questions and trying to make sense of the words just spoken. But she felt it-- _Solas, what did you do?_ As Deidre unwrapped, Cassandra's brow creased, but Leliana gave her a warm look. The bandages, the gauze, wet with dressing and fluid in spite of covering a mostly healed arm shortened below the elbow, the unraveling whirred in her ears as if Dorian were here to slow down time for a few seconds.

Her thoughts were unfettered now, and they sprung loose in the stalled moment. _The mark, the orb, his magic. She had known, felt herself dying with its turn from power, resource, to invasion, a poison leeching itself into all of her. She could've accepted that. She had nearly been there before. But as she insisted on going alone into that last eluvian, she couldn't have borne hurting her friends any further._

"Solas, he calmed it. He saved me." She felt Rodan squeeze her hand, her _remaining_ hand, she thought. _It was true._ She didn't need to wait for Deidre to finish unwrapping and changing the dressing in order to know that what she had felt was a trace of herself. Still felt the traces, the hunter remembering where the tracks were, always, even as the imprint faded. Her marked hand traded for a mark of another kind.

 _"My love,"_ Solas said as he had kissed her, saved her, but would not stay for her, would not let her come and offer him a distraction in hope --or something to corrupt. Solas.

Ro's face, so light when she first opened her eyes, showed worry that didn't belong on one so young. "Ro," she said, jarring herself out of the slowed moment, "Don't worry, Ro."

Her brother insisted on worrying anyway. Traces of their father in him. His stubbornness made her laugh to herself.

"Nirwen, I'm going to help."


	4. Dareth Shiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian must return to Tevinter, and regrettably, can't stay longer with Nirwen. He comes one morning to say goodbye before he departs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally made the mistake of writing past this moment, and I had regrets over not showing Dorian's departure, so I just had to write it and put the chapter in its proper place.

"Nirwen?" A low voice, the caution unnecessary. It wasn't like she could sleep very well. They had wrapped the Council, plans already brewing for what was ahead. As she lay in bed, she convinced Manon, the healer whose eyes still held depth and mystery alike, to let her try to sleep on her own, without taking anything to bring about that darkness. She didn't want the thick cloud to descend upon her thoughts, locking them away from her, more than she did want a guarantee of sleep. Besides, she was no stranger to some sleepless nights. She took only a bit of elfroot for the residual pain, though nothing could yet halt the pain that was no longer really there.   
  
"Dorian. I'm awake. Come in," she said in a clear voice, lifting her head as he pushed the door shut, leaving the guards outside. Dorian carried a lamp, and was dressed in a fine traveling cloak. From the window, tendrils of pre-dawn light cast themselves into the room. Nirwen lifted herself on her remaining hand and sat up, moving several among the excess of Orlesian pillows into place behind her for support. Dorian smiled, and she couldn't resist returning one, in spite of the threatening headache and fatigue. "Ambassador," she said, with affected formality and the makings of a light bow. Her friend, one of her closest in the world, brought out that side of her, even after all of this. She felt a warm gratitude in her chest.  
  
"Now, now, don't lose sleep over my impending departure, dear" he said, taking her hand.   
  
Nirwen closed her hand over Dorian's ."You're leaving sooner than expected, then?"   
  
"Unfortunately, yes. The letter I received. I'm expected back as soon as possible."  He sighed, lowering his eyes, then looking back at Nirwen.   
  
She slid back, raising herself slightly higher on the pillows. "I'm just sorry our reunion had to be so brief. And...adventurous."  
  
"Dangerously misguided plans, senseless destruction, unraveling of ancient secrets prone to misinterpretation, slavery, magic. It was almost as perilous as a meeting of the Magisterium! And more worthy of one of Varric's books. Tell him I'll expect to sent a signed copy. But yes," he lowered his voice, stroking her fingers tenderly, "I must leave this morning. I had hoped to stay another day or two, but there are stirrings. I'm glad you're all right. I wish there were more I could do to help."  
  
"There will be, Dorian. With how busy the past couple of days were, I never really got to say thank you. For everything. Being at my side during all of this. Bringing me back here, after," she said, a glance at the wrapped remainder of her left arm. "For your support with Solas, even if you might have thought I was thinking more with my heart than my head, but--"  
  
Dorian gave her the warm smile that always accompanied a flash of memory in his eyes.  
  
"Nirwen. I know. I, I simply remembered what you were like after he left. You never stopped worrying. Even as you carried on, even as that mark tore at you, part of you never gave that up." Dorian paused, adding his other hand atop both of theirs.  "It doesn't undermine you," he added.   
  
She hoped he was right.   
  
"I've missed you so much, _Ambassador_." Nirwen couldn't resist a giggle, but she already felt  the distance to come gnaw at her.   
  
"Promise your letters will continue, and that we'll use these crystals. I know, it's a pity there isn't one yet that allows view of my face, but, in all seriousness, when you need me, _Inquisitor_. Don't hesitate. If there's anything I can do to help further, just ask," he said, and moved his hands toward his own crystal, activating it in the way he showed her. "Shall I say goodbye this way?" he spoke into it. Her crystal came to life, carrying the voice that was still close.  
  
As the sun began its ascent, more light came through. Dorian had set his lamp aside already, in favor of the soft sunrise. Nirwen could hear footsteps stirring in the hard, mostly empty halls. Skyhold was a fortress, but her quarters were up high, and the flutter of daily routine mainly took place on lower levels. The room she was given at the Winter Palace led out into a hall. Someone would surely be by soon enough to check on her.  
  
"No, not that way." Nirwen drew her arm back and pushed herself up a bit more in the bed, then reached out to embrace him. Dorian stood, came closer, and put his arms around her. She pressed close to him, her dear and unexpected friend. He was right, he had seen her in some of her worst pain, but their friendship, odd as some might find it, was one of the things she treasured most now.  
  
"Goodbye, Nirwen. Update me on everything. _Everything_ ," he emphasized. Hugging Dorian again, leaning into him, it was warm, safe, and Nirwen could almost imagine that comfort extended. But places in her arm that no longer existed buzzed as a reminder. Things had changed, and little was explicitly clear going forward, but Dorian's friendship carried no such doubts. It was one thing they both had.  
  
"Dareth shiral, Dorian," she said. "Be safe." He seemed unsurprised at her use of elven, as he pulled back out of the hug, careful of her left arm. The sun was fully awake now, and glinting off the palace fixtures, sending light everywhere. The glass of the small chandelier overhead cast rainbow-white strips of light onto the walls. "I promise we'll speak," she said as he stepped back, picked up the lamp, and adjusted his cloak on the way to the door. Nirwen tried to hold back the tears that wanted release, without success. Dorian's own eyes were wet. Was it like this the last time they parted? When they reunited, it felt like no time had passed, and yet goodbyes felt fuzzy.  
  
"Do tell Varric about that signed copy. And to represent you with all that you deserve, my friend. Nirwen. Whatever I can lend you in this, I will." With that, he turned, opened the door to a startled maid about to knock, and was gone. The maid entered, as Nirwen wiped her eyes with the blanket and felt, finally, as if she could sleep.


	5. Of Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exalted Council is over, and Inquisitor Nirwen Lavellan has no time to waste in making plans for what must come next for both the changing Inquisition and the clandestine work to halt Solas' plans. All while dealing with the aftermath of losing her forearm.

  
The last of the crowds were gone. The council had finally come to a close and Nirwen was convinced even the hungriest of Orlesian gossipmongers had already grown bored before the end. Her arm was only lightly wrapped now, but it still felt tight. The buzzing hadn't yet disappeared, lingering traces after days had passed. She wished her tracker's mind could allow them to evaporate. In time, perhaps, but the acuteness of memory did not seem to betray decades of precision so quickly. She had reached out or had to steady herself a few times, instinctively sending both hands out before the realization hit. With one stumble in just her brother's company, and another that happened, she was glad, in a private chamber with Leliana. The grace that Solas had once declared in her felt like mockery now. Hidden from everyone but her friend, she allowed her eyes to fill with her frustration this time.  
  
Leliana's smile was warm, and Nirwen knew it was genuine. It helped a little. She placed a hand around Nirwen's shoulder.  
  
"Come, let's sit and talk over tea." Leliana--glad to think of her by her name, in spite of still not being used to the robes she now wore--signaled to a small table where a tea spread was placed before they had been left to their conversation. Leliana took care to pour for them both, though Nirwen added her own honey and carefully stirred. It had only been a couple of days, long days, and this feeling wouldn't be going away anytime soon. She was grateful that Leliana didn't offer to prepare her entire cup. She knew, as did Ro and the others, that everything had changed.  
  
She needed assistance with nearly everything. Josephine was still awaiting transition orders, technically, but had helped her dress that morning, as she had ever since her return. Nirwen pulled her own jacket on, folded the left sleeve herself while seated, leaning her elbow on her thigh for balance, and fastened the button with care. Despite the need for action when it came to Solas, when it came to the magnitude of what else was now hers to take on once more, Nirwen's sense of time was so muddled. Not pure time, counted away by the seconds of wind-up clocks everywhere, measured in finite doses, and marked by the sun, or a more mechanical method, but knowing how long something like getting dressed would take. Spooning honey without being able to also hold the jar down, making sure to spoon and lift with such precision that the jar was not rattled, the spoon escaped cleanly, and then reach the cup of tea, growing cooler by the second, without dripping onto the fine tablecloth. Then came stirring, a slow stir, a careful stir. Must not move anything too quickly. This should take seconds, but every bit of concentration not to fumble this meant something. These small actions were collectively exhausting. The forced slowing down strange. For the woman meant to be precise, swift, and flexible, this wash of feeling tight and slow was new. She was glad for Leliana's perceptive nature. Nirwen had to do this. They both knew it.  
  
"The transition plans are well underway," Nirwen began. "We promised an initial six-month turnaround while we draft our plan, recall much of our forces with as little disruption as possible, and reorganize the ranks. Cullen and Josephine are standing by. We'll go back tomorrow. And then begin our work," she finished, emphasizing those final two words." They were alone, and the chamber had been carefully searched, but they were still careful not to be too exact. Nirwen took a small sandwich to her plate. It smelled of nuts and...egg? The combination was a familiar one. Yet, there could be an unexpected surprise. They were still in Orlais, after all, and she was hungry.  
  
Leliana laughed. "That one's not too bad, really. But do not try the deep mushroom pate." She scowled, shaking her head and pointing at an adjacent triangle on the platter. "Now, what are your plans for...the transition. For your work?"  
  
"Once the reorganization is underway, we must see to plans for the good soldiers and workers we're losing. See if there are placements for them. Josephine will write to a few leaders and noble houses on our behalf, seeking to make offers. After that, I have to take my brother back to Wycome. To our family. I promised." At this, a journey back, to the clan, to her family, Leliana's eyes flashed for the briefest second. She nodded, knowing there was more to Nirwen's purpose.  
  
"I see. I make my return to Val Royeaux in the early morning, but I am always available to you for anything on this _transition_ ," Leliana said, sincerely. It was good to see her eyes bright. "And we are not so far apart, my friend. You can, and should, visit when you're able. I'm certain you'll have adequate coverage in place while you take this journey away from Skyhold."  
  
"With the reported elven disappearances coming in, naturally, we must take precautions. My family may be a target. Or they may hear something from others. I must see them soon," Nirwen said, telling the truth, worried about her family and the people. Her clan was part of the Wycome council now, but there were already city elves there who also survived. Were any of them disappearing? Were any of them loyal to Solas? She didn't think Solas would make any moves to hurt her family. No. But if he had loyal agents in their midst, she simply didn't know of what they might be capable. Her loved ones had to be told. She couldn't leave them blindly there with so much unknown. "I'm still figuring out the best approach. My brother knows most of the story now. Enough. He wants to help. I've accepted his aid with my arm, but I'll be treading carefully otherwise. He's so young."  
  
"So were we all, once. But he seems clever, and his presence may be more of a blessing than you realize." Leliana's advice didn't hit any wrong notes. Despite Nirwen's desire to protect her brother, he was there for all of this, and what began as a simple political learning experience for a young armorer's apprentice became family at her side in a difficult time. A blessing, maybe, despite their different beliefs.  
  
She took leave after inquiring about the Divine's nug litters, being promised a pair in the future. Leliana left her with some chocolates, the bitterness offset by an herbal spice that reminded her, impossibly, of home.  



	6. Pride Amidst Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nirwen spends time with her younger brother, Rodan. The two discuss both present and future, including her complicated feelings toward Solas. Ro reveals he read the letter she wrote him back when the Anchor was killing her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter references the first chapter of this fic: Time in Mind: http://archiveofourown.org/works/4949512/chapters/12548519

Rodan gently put the vest around Nirwen, where she pulled it into place, sliding her right arm into the hole. It felt good to be back in her less formal clothes now that duties at the palace were done, and they were set to make the journey back to Skyhold that afternoon. Josephine had attended her in the morning, again helping her dress, and fussing over Nirwen in the way Josephine did that showed how much she cared. Rodan arrived soon afterward with a servant carrying a breakfast tray. The human girl was young, but poised, and Nirwen hadn't seen her before. Some of the elves had disappeared, and were quickly replaced without thorough training. Before she left, she gave a bow and headed out.  
  
Once they had eaten a bit of fruit and egg, Rodan broke the silence.  
  
"Nirwen, I read your letter," he began. She leaned forward on the couch where they both sat, her eyes widening with realization as they met her brother's.  
  
"It was on you when Dorian brought you back. It had my name, so they gave it to me. I read it while they tended to you."  
  
"Ro, I....you know...I'm not in danger anymore." Her face warmed with a flush.  
  
"I know. Magic of Fen'Harel." He laughed nervously, then shook his head. "Solas. He saved you."  
  
"Yes. Most of me." The same nervous laugh came from Nirwen, whose eyes narrowed, as she spoke in a raw voice. "Whatever his plans are, I think he did what he could." A weighty pause hung in the air. "He knew his magic was going to kill me one day. He knew, in all of those moments we spent together.  If he hadn't....if...but he _knew_. Every kiss. Every laugh. Every time he looked in my eyes and said he loved me...he _knew_."  
  
"And you believe in him, still."  
  
"Worse," she replied, flashing a sad smile. "I _know_ he does. For all I thought I knew about Solas, do know about Solas, it's harder for knowing this. This, all of this, it _hurt_ him. And that gives me what may turn out to be the most desperately confused case of misguided hope ever known. But I have to try. There's even more at stake than with the Breach. Only now he's out there, more powerful than we know. And I'm off balance, forgetting and reaching for things I can't grasp, and unable to dress myself."  
  
Her deep sigh accompanied efforts to blink back tears. Rodan slid over and embraced his sister, threading his fingers in hers.  
  
He sat and let her compose herself in silence. She was glad for it. "Nirwen, you're the strongest person I know. "  
  
"I...wish you hadn't read it. I just...if I didn't have the chance this time. I could be prepared, _was_ prepared, feeling the time slip, the magic spread. I knew. I thought I had survived this, saved people, lived, but then I knew. It came faster. I could bear it for a while. Hide it. I came to accept that this had just been a delay. A mistake correcting itself."  
  
"Now you _have_ survived this. They've declared you in good health," Rodan said. "No more danger."  
  
"Ro," she half-whispered, drawing a slow breath as she continued, "I haven't felt this vulnerable, this unguarded, this... _scared_....since I was a child. I close my eyes, and the movements are instincts. Still there. I've spent so long as a hunter, a protector, defending myself and others. Now, I move before my body catches up, and I can't. I stumble. Or I reach for something quickly, before I realize what I'm doing. I spend energy on small tasks, focusing my concentration on things like putting honey into my tea because I still have that left. Such honed concentration, Ro, decades of precision training that served me well, and sweetening tea makes me tired. "  
  
"You try, Nirwen, but you can't shoulder it all. You've always tried. I may be just on the verge of grown, but I know that you can't carry all of this weight. Planning, working head first into this new task with barely time to breathe after the last. You've cared for me since I was born, Nirwen. I can't cure this, but I will do whatever I'm able."  
  
There was one thing in her letter she was glad he had read. She was so unbelievably proud of Rodan, and grateful he was improbably with her through all of this. Whatever happened to her, it was people like him that drove her onward. Not just her people, her clan, but this world. She choked a bitter swallow down as she recalled something Solas had said to Cassandra once. _The greatest triumphs and tragedies this world has known can all be traced to people._  
  
The anger throbbed, threatened to slide in the aching space around her heart as if hot lava, ready to harden and constrict. _No_ , she thought. _I won't_.  
  
She hadn't expected to find the idea of her own gods, indeed, foundations of her own people, in tatters simply by knowing Solas. He had saved her. He had warned her, subtly. Considerations, indeed. As if surviving that explosion, sent into the Fade, and beyond hadn't tested all the odds. It had forever changed her. What was in Solas' mind as he lay there with her as she slept, nightmare after nightmare, flare of her palm,  holding her, sometimes waking her the better option, even though she would remember? _Fen'Harel._ That truth was somewhere in the middle. No, _Solas_. Solas. After everything, he _was_ Solas, and what they had, already considered a liability, drawn and quartered before the council, the whispers from those who knew they had been lovers. 'Lovers', so imprecise, so weightless a word in this situation. In this world. No, they were entangled to whatever end.  
  
_Vhenan_.  
  
The word, beautiful, stinging. And true. To both of their very cores, in spite of these years. She read it on his face, heard it in his voice, finally free of pretenses. This was the man she knew, regardless of his finery, regardless of his purpose. Denied her the chance to come, perhaps to affect his plan, change his mind. In an offering of sorts that preserved what - her integrity? Even though he implied his plan would end her life someday. He saved her for now, sealed his path, but his eyes remained in her mind. This, no matter her pain, or her anger, this fed the hope, somehow. It felt like a final, twisted, act of love.  
  
"Nirwen?" Her brother's voice brought her back to the present and comforted her, melting the memory. "Are you all right?" She nodded and smiled, a gesture without the strain on her face of the previous moments.  
  
"Just lost in some thoughts. Worries. Plans. Ro, I'm glad you're here."  
  
Nirwen carefully returned Rodan's embrace as best she could with both arms. This was going to take time, but they had none to waste in putting their plans in motion. She had to travel with guards and someone to assist her with basic tasks for the time being. She couldn't protect her brother, which he knew, and pledged to her side anyway.  
  
"You're the veteran of this whole world-saving business. But I did promise to be a faithful apprentice when I came back with you," he joked. It reminded Nirwen that he truly was just seventeen, clever, his eyes bright, face yet unmarked. She saw fear flicker in his eyes when they talked of the future. It made her heart both prouder and heavier.  
  
There was a polite, rhythmic knock at the door. No doubt that Josephine was behind it. Nirwen invited her in, as she summarized all that awaited them for the journey. Most of what everyone was still waiting for was in this room, including two siblings in particular. It was time to go.


End file.
